Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve spent so much time alone lately and contemplated so much about my life but the more I look into my self the more unsure I am of who this Paul Prins character is. Let me explain.

There are things I know run through the core of who I am, my morals, mannerisms, skills, and beliefs. Then there are the things about me of which I am increasingly unsure over; my character, loves, decisions, and path that I plant my feet upon.

So much has been running through my mind over break and it’s really brought me down. I’ve questioned everything I’ve done over the last year, even things that I am so sure of (ie the event) and it’s left me quite precariously positioned. Wondering if my plan of following my passion through college is the best course of action. I know I will have several opportunities and I can see them growing, that I’ll be able to pursue marketing production or whatever it’s called. However I am seeing flaws arising, maybe there are things I won’t know going into that profession and it scares me. The guy who seems to stand so tall, I think that’s the first time in years I’ve admitted I’m scared.

I’m not even sure of where I stand, my feet are firmly upon something but my eyes keep on wondering towards other paths. Every fork in the road seems to captivate my being for days longer then necessary and days after I’ve made up my mind where it used to be a quick decision that I was very confident in. In the last couple of months I’ve also noticed that I’m changing, I’ve grown short with people whom I care for and just don’t seem to be as open as I wish. People who I once thought were so close to me don’t feel comfortable coming and talking to me and I don’t know why.

Part of it is, no doubt, the pressure that has been put on me. Everyone who I deal with always seems to say something like, can’t wait to see what you’ll be doing, or things of a similar nature. That only drives me to not disappoint them and for the most part I would hope that I haven’t this far. However living life like this, to live up to others expectations, is not how life is meant to be lived. I want to do things because I love them, because it’s my desire. This is probably why I feel that no one understands me, I downplay the pressure I’m under but it’s stressing me out. I’ve been more stressed out over break then I have been since this time last year. I just need to find someone at school who understands the pressure I’m under with skiing, even though my heart is so lost on it.

More then anything I wish to know that this phase of my life will work out. That I will do everything I need to and love the people I’m destined to. The last two years of high school I spent ready for this journey and now that I’m here it seems as though I’ve closed my eyes and started running through it. I am doing things to help me slow down, not working on weekends anymore and only two-three days a week. Hopefully this next semester will yield well for me.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul prins